The Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 4 Read online

Page 16


  THE BUSINESS MAN

  Method is the soul of business.--OLD SAYING.

  I AM a business man. I am a methodical man. Method is the thing, afterall. But there are no people I more heartily despise than your eccentricfools who prate about method without understanding it; attendingstrictly to its letter, and violating its spirit. These fellows arealways doing the most out-of-the-way things in what they call anorderly manner. Now here, I conceive, is a positive paradox. True methodappertains to the ordinary and the obvious alone, and cannot be appliedto the outre. What definite idea can a body attach to such expressionsas "methodical Jack o' Dandy," or "a systematical Will o' the Wisp"?

  My notions upon this head might not have been so clear as they are, butfor a fortunate accident which happened to me when I was a very littleboy. A good-hearted old Irish nurse (whom I shall not forget in my will)took me up one day by the heels, when I was making more noise than wasnecessary, and swinging me round two or knocked my head into a cockedhat against the bedpost. This, I say, decided my fate, and made myfortune. A bump arose at once on my sinciput, and turned out to be aspretty an organ of order as one shall see on a summer's day. Hencethat positive appetite for system and regularity which has made me thedistinguished man of business that I am.

  If there is any thing on earth I hate, it is a genius. Your geniusesare all arrant asses--the greater the genius the greater the ass--and tothis rule there is no exception whatever. Especially, you cannot makea man of business out of a genius, any more than money out of a Jew, orthe best nutmegs out of pine-knots. The creatures are always going offat a tangent into some fantastic employment, or ridiculous speculation,entirely at variance with the "fitness of things," and having nobusiness whatever to be considered as a business at all. Thus you maytell these characters immediately by the nature of their occupations. Ifyou ever perceive a man setting up as a merchant or a manufacturer,or going into the cotton or tobacco trade, or any of those eccentricpursuits; or getting to be a drygoods dealer, or soap-boiler, orsomething of that kind; or pretending to be a lawyer, or a blacksmith,or a physician--any thing out of the usual way--you may set him down atonce as a genius, and then, according to the rule-of-three, he's an ass.

  Now I am not in any respect a genius, but a regular business man. MyDay-book and Ledger will evince this in a minute. They are well kept,though I say it myself; and, in my general habits of accuracy andpunctuality, I am not to be beat by a clock. Moreover, my occupationshave been always made to chime in with the ordinary habitudes of myfellowmen. Not that I feel the least indebted, upon this score, to myexceedingly weak-minded parents, who, beyond doubt, would have made anarrant genius of me at last, if my guardian angel had not come, ingood time, to the rescue. In biography the truth is every thing, and inautobiography it is especially so--yet I scarcely hope to be believedwhen I state, however solemnly, that my poor father put me, when I wasabout fifteen years of age, into the counting-house of what be termed"a respectable hardware and commission merchant doing a capital bit ofbusiness!" A capital bit of fiddlestick! However, the consequence ofthis folly was, that in two or three days, I had to be sent home to mybutton-headed family in a high state of fever, and with a most violentand dangerous pain in the sinciput, all around about my organ of order.It was nearly a gone case with me then--just touch-and-go for sixweeks--the physicians giving me up and all that sort of thing. But,although I suffered much, I was a thankful boy in the main. I was savedfrom being a "respectable hardware and commission merchant, doing acapital bit of business," and I felt grateful to the protuberance whichhad been the means of my salvation, as well as to the kindhearted femalewho had originally put these means within my reach.

  The most of boys run away from home at ten or twelve years of age, butI waited till I was sixteen. I don't know that I should have gone eventhen, if I had not happened to hear my old mother talk about setting meup on my own hook in the grocery way. The grocery way!--only think ofthat! I resolved to be off forthwith, and try and establish myself insome decent occupation, without dancing attendance any longer upon thecaprices of these eccentric old people, and running the risk of beingmade a genius of in the end. In this project I succeeded perfectly wellat the first effort, and by the time I was fairly eighteen, foundmyself doing an extensive and profitable business in the Tailor'sWalking-Advertisement line.

  I was enabled to discharge the onerous duties of this profession, onlyby that rigid adherence to system which formed the leading feature ofmy mind. A scrupulous method characterized my actions as well as myaccounts. In my case it was method--not money--which made the man: atleast all of him that was not made by the tailor whom I served. At nine,every morning, I called upon that individual for the clothes of the day.Ten o'clock found me in some fashionable promenade or other place ofpublic amusement. The precise regularity with which I turned my handsomeperson about, so as to bring successively into view every portion ofthe suit upon my back, was the admiration of all the knowing men inthe trade. Noon never passed without my bringing home a customer to thehouse of my employers, Messrs. Cut & Comeagain. I say this proudly,but with tears in my eyes--for the firm proved themselves the basestof ingrates. The little account, about which we quarreled and finallyparted, cannot, in any item, be thought overcharged, by gentlemen reallyconversant with the nature of the business. Upon this point, however,I feel a degree of proud satisfaction in permitting the reader to judgefor himself. My bill ran thus:

  Messrs. Cut & Comeagain, Merchant Tailors. To Peter Proffit, Walking Advertiser, Drs. JULY 10.--to promenade, as usual and customer brought home... $00 25 JULY 11.--To do do do 25 JULY 12.--To one lie, second class; damaged black cloth sold for invisible green............................................... 25

  JULY 13.--To one lie, first class, extra quality and size; recommended milled satinet as broadcloth...................... 75

  JULY 20.--To purchasing bran new paper shirt collar or dickey, to set off gray Petersham..................................... 02

  AUG. 15.--To wearing double-padded bobtail frock, (thermometer 106 in the shade)............................................. 25

  AUG. 16.--Standing on one leg three hours, to show off new-style strapped pants at 12 1/2 cents per leg per hour............. 37 1/2

  AUG. 17.--To promenade, as usual, and large customer brought (fat man)..................................................... 50

  AUG. 18.--To do do (medium size)................. 25

  AUG. 19.--To do do (small man and bad pay)....... 06

  TOTAL [sic] $2 95 1/2

  The item chiefly disputed in this bill was the very moderate chargeof two pennies for the dickey. Upon my word of honor, this was notan unreasonable price for that dickey. It was one of the cleanest andprettiest little dickeys I ever saw; and I have good reason to believethat it effected the sale of three Petershams. The elder partner of thefirm, however, would allow me only one penny of the charge, and took itupon himself to show in what manner four of the same sized conveniencescould be got out of a sheet of foolscap. But it is needless to saythat I stood upon the principle of the thing. Business is business,and should be done in a business way. There was no system whatever inswindling me out of a penny--a clear fraud of fifty per cent--nomethod in any respect. I left at once the employment of Messrs. Cut &Comeagain, and set up in the Eye-Sore line by myself--one of the mostlucrative, respectable, and independent of the ordinary occupations.

  My strict integrity, economy, and rigorous business habits, here againcame into play. I found myself driving a flourishing trade, and soonbecame a marked man upon 'Change. The truth is, I never dabbled inflashy matters, but jogged on in the good old sober routine of thecalling--a calling in which I should, no doubt, have remained to thepresent hour, but for a little accident which happened to me in theprosecution of one of the usual business operations of the profession.Whenever a rich old hunks or prodigal heir or bankrupt corporation getsinto the notion of putting up a palace, there is no such thing in the
world as stopping either of them, and this every intelligent personknows. The fact in question is indeed the basis of the Eye-Sore trade.As soon, therefore, as a building-project is fairly afoot by oneof these parties, we merchants secure a nice corner of the lot incontemplation, or a prime little situation just adjoining, or tight infront. This done, we wait until the palace is half-way up, and then wepay some tasty architect to run us up an ornamental mud hovel, rightagainst it; or a Down-East or Dutch Pagoda, or a pig-sty, or aningenious little bit of fancy work, either Esquimau, Kickapoo, orHottentot. Of course we can't afford to take these structures down undera bonus of five hundred per cent upon the prime cost of our lot andplaster. Can we? I ask the question. I ask it of business men. It wouldbe irrational to suppose that we can. And yet there was a rascallycorporation which asked me to do this very thing--this very thing! I didnot reply to their absurd proposition, of course; but I felt it a dutyto go that same night, and lamp-black the whole of their palace. Forthis the unreasonable villains clapped me into jail; and the gentlemenof the Eye-Sore trade could not well avoid cutting my connection when Icame out.

  The Assault-and-Battery business, into which I was now forced toadventure for a livelihood, was somewhat ill-adapted to the delicatenature of my constitution; but I went to work in it with a good heart,and found my account here, as heretofore, in those stern habits ofmethodical accuracy which had been thumped into me by that delightfulold nurse--I would indeed be the basest of men not to remember herwell in my will. By observing, as I say, the strictest system in all mydealings, and keeping a well-regulated set of books, I was enabled toget over many serious difficulties, and, in the end, to establish myselfvery decently in the profession. The truth is, that few individuals, inany line, did a snugger little business than I. I will just copy a pageor so out of my Day-Book; and this will save me the necessity of blowingmy own trumpet--a contemptible practice of which no high-minded man willbe guilty. Now, the Day-Book is a thing that don't lie.

  "Jan. 1.--New Year's Day. Met Snap in the street, groggy. Mem--he'lldo. Met Gruff shortly afterward, blind drunk. Mem--he'll answer, too.Entered both gentlemen in my Ledger, and opened a running account witheach.

  "Jan. 2.--Saw Snap at the Exchange, and went up and trod on his toe.Doubled his fist and knocked me down. Good!--got up again. Some triflingdifficulty with Bag, my attorney. I want the damages at a thousand, buthe says that for so simple a knock down we can't lay them at more thanfive hundred. Mem--must get rid of Bag--no system at all.

  "Jan. 3--Went to the theatre, to look for Gruff. Saw him sitting in aside box, in the second tier, between a fat lady and a lean one. Quizzedthe whole party through an opera-glass, till I saw the fat lady blushand whisper to G. Went round, then, into the box, and put my nose withinreach of his hand. Wouldn't pull it--no go. Blew it, and tried again--nogo. Sat down then, and winked at the lean lady, when I had the highsatisfaction of finding him lift me up by the nape of the neck, andfling me over into the pit. Neck dislocated, and right leg capitallysplintered. Went home in high glee, drank a bottle of champagne, andbooked the young man for five thousand. Bag says it'll do.

  "Feb. 15--Compromised the case of Mr. Snap. Amount entered inJournal--fifty cents--which see.

  "Feb. 16.--Cast by that ruffian, Gruff, who made me a present offive dollars. Costs of suit, four dollars and twenty-five cents. Nettprofit,--see Journal,--seventy-five cents."

  Now, here is a clear gain, in a very brief period, of no less than onedollar and twenty-five cents--this is in the mere cases of Snap andGruff; and I solemnly assure the reader that these extracts are taken atrandom from my Day-Book.

  It's an old saying, and a true one, however, that money is nothing incomparison with health. I found the exactions of the profession somewhattoo much for my delicate state of body; and, discovering, at last, thatI was knocked all out of shape, so that I didn't know very well whatto make of the matter, and so that my friends, when they met me in thestreet, couldn't tell that I was Peter Proffit at all, it occurred to methat the best expedient I could adopt was to alter my line of business.I turned my attention, therefore, to Mud-Dabbling, and continued it forsome years.

  The worst of this occupation is, that too many people take a fancy toit, and the competition is in consequence excessive. Every ignoramus ofa fellow who finds that he hasn't brains in sufficient quantity tomake his way as a walking advertiser, or an eye-sore prig, or asalt-and-batter man, thinks, of course, that he'll answer very well asa dabbler of mud. But there never was entertained a more erroneous ideathan that it requires no brains to mud-dabble. Especially, there isnothing to be made in this way without method. I did only a retailbusiness myself, but my old habits of system carried me swimminglyalong. I selected my street-crossing, in the first place, with greatdeliberation, and I never put down a broom in any part of the town butthat. I took care, too, to have a nice little puddle at hand, which Icould get at in a minute. By these means I got to be well known as aman to be trusted; and this is one-half the battle, let me tell you, intrade. Nobody ever failed to pitch me a copper, and got over my crossingwith a clean pair of pantaloons. And, as my business habits, in thisrespect, were sufficiently understood, I never met with any attempt atimposition. I wouldn't have put up with it, if I had. Never imposingupon any one myself, I suffered no one to play the possum with me. Thefrauds of the banks of course I couldn't help. Their suspension putme to ruinous inconvenience. These, however, are not individuals, butcorporations; and corporations, it is very well known, have neitherbodies to be kicked nor souls to be damned.

  I was making money at this business when, in an evil moment, I wasinduced to merge it in the Cur-Spattering--a somewhat analogous, but, byno means, so respectable a profession. My location, to be sure, was anexcellent one, being central, and I had capital blacking and brushes. Mylittle dog, too, was quite fat and up to all varieties of snuff. Hehad been in the trade a long time, and, I may say, understood it. Ourgeneral routine was this:--Pompey, having rolled himself well inthe mud, sat upon end at the shop door, until he observed a dandyapproaching in bright boots. He then proceeded to meet him, and gave theWellingtons a rub or two with his wool. Then the dandy swore very much,and looked about for a boot-black. There I was, full in his view, withblacking and brushes. It was only a minute's work, and then came asixpence. This did moderately well for a time;--in fact, I was notavaricious, but my dog was. I allowed him a third of the profit, but hewas advised to insist upon half. This I couldn't stand--so we quarrelledand parted.

  I next tried my hand at the Organ-Grinding for a while, and may say thatI made out pretty well. It is a plain, straightforward business, andrequires no particular abilities. You can get a music-mill for a meresong, and to put it in order, you have but to open the works, and givethem three or four smart raps with a hammer. In improves the tone of thething, for business purposes, more than you can imagine. This done, youhave only to stroll along, with the mill on your back, until you seetanbark in the street, and a knocker wrapped up in buckskin. Then youstop and grind; looking as if you meant to stop and grind till doomsday.Presently a window opens, and somebody pitches you a sixpence, with arequest to "Hush up and go on," etc. I am aware that some grinders haveactually afforded to "go on" for this sum; but for my part, I found thenecessary outlay of capital too great to permit of my "going on" under ashilling.

  At this occupation I did a good deal; but, somehow, I was not quitesatisfied, and so finally abandoned it. The truth is, I labored underthe disadvantage of having no monkey--and American streets are so muddy,and a Democratic rabble is so obstrusive, and so full of demnitionmischievous little boys.

  I was now out of employment for some months, but at length succeeded, bydint of great interest, in procuring a situation in the Sham-Post.The duties, here, are simple, and not altogether unprofitable. Forexample:--very early in the morning I had to make up my packet of shamletters. Upon the inside of each of these I had to scrawl a few lines onany subject which occurred to me as sufficiently mysterious--signingall the e
pistles Tom Dobson, or Bobby Tompkins, or anything in that way.Having folded and sealed all, and stamped them with sham postmarks--NewOrleans, Bengal, Botany Bay, or any other place a great way off--I setout, forthwith, upon my daily route, as if in a very great hurry. Ialways called at the big houses to deliver the letters, and receivethe postage. Nobody hesitates at paying for a letter--especially for adouble one--people are such fools--and it was no trouble to get rounda corner before there was time to open the epistles. The worst ofthis profession was, that I had to walk so much and so fast; andso frequently to vary my route. Besides, I had serious scruples ofconscience. I can't bear to hear innocent individuals abused--and theway the whole town took to cursing Tom Dobson and Bobby Tompkins wasreally awful to hear. I washed my hands of the matter in disgust.

  My eighth and last speculation has been in the Cat-Growing way. I havefound that a most pleasant and lucrative business, and, really, notrouble at all. The country, it is well known, has become infested withcats--so much so of late, that a petition for relief, most numerouslyand respectably signed, was brought before the Legislature at itslate memorable session. The Assembly, at this epoch, was unusuallywell-informed, and, having passed many other wise and wholesomeenactments, it crowned all with the Cat-Act. In its original form, thislaw offered a premium for cat-heads (fourpence a-piece), but the Senatesucceeded in amending the main clause, so as to substitute the word"tails" for "heads." This amendment was so obviously proper, that theHouse concurred in it nem. con.

  As soon as the governor had signed the bill, I invested my whole estatein the purchase of Toms and Tabbies. At first I could only afford tofeed them upon mice (which are cheap), but they fulfilled the scripturalinjunction at so marvellous a rate, that I at length considered it mybest policy to be liberal, and so indulged them in oysters and turtle.Their tails, at a legislative price, now bring me in a good income; forI have discovered a way, in which, by means of Macassar oil, I can forcethree crops in a year. It delights me to find, too, that the animalssoon get accustomed to the thing, and would rather have the appendagescut off than otherwise. I consider myself, therefore, a made man, and ambargaining for a country seat on the Hudson.

 

    The Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 2 Read onlineThe Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 2The Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 1 Read onlineThe Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 1The Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 3 Read onlineThe Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 3The Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 5 Read onlineThe Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 5The Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 4 Read onlineThe Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 4The Tell-Tale Heart Read onlineThe Tell-Tale HeartThe Raven (Penguin) Read onlineThe Raven (Penguin)The Paris Mysteries Read onlineThe Paris MysteriesTales of Terror from Edgar Allan Poe Read onlineTales of Terror from Edgar Allan PoeThe Fall of the House of Usher Read onlineThe Fall of the House of UsherThe Golden Book of World's Greatest Mysteries Read onlineThe Golden Book of World's Greatest MysteriesThe Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket Read onlineThe Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of NantucketLigeia Read onlineLigeiaThe Landscape Garden Read onlineThe Landscape GardenComplete Tales & Poems Read onlineComplete Tales & PoemsGreat Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe Read onlineGreat Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan PoeThe Colloquy of Monos and Una Read onlineThe Colloquy of Monos and UnaThe Oblong Box Read onlineThe Oblong BoxThou Art the Man Read onlineThou Art the ManA DESCENT INTO THE MAELSTROM Read onlineA DESCENT INTO THE MAELSTROMTHE MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE Read onlineTHE MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUEThe Business Man Read onlineThe Business ManThe Mystery of Marie Rogêt Read onlineThe Mystery of Marie RogêtMetzengerstein Read onlineMetzengersteinThe Man That Was Used Up Read onlineThe Man That Was Used UpWilliam Wilson Read onlineWilliam WilsonThe Philosophy of Composition Read onlineThe Philosophy of CompositionThe Portable Edgar Allan Poe Read onlineThe Portable Edgar Allan PoeBon-Bon Read onlineBon-BonA Predicament Read onlineA PredicamentThe Premature Burial Read onlineThe Premature BurialThe Angel of the Odd Read onlineThe Angel of the OddThe Man of the Crowd Read onlineThe Man of the CrowdNever Bet the Devil Your Head Read onlineNever Bet the Devil Your HeadThe Tell-Tale Heart and Other Writings Read onlineThe Tell-Tale Heart and Other WritingsThe System of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether Read onlineThe System of Doctor Tarr and Professor FetherSelected Tales (Oxford World's Classics) Read onlineSelected Tales (Oxford World's Classics)Essential Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) Read onlineEssential Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe (Barnes & Noble Classics Series)MS. Found in a Bottle Read onlineMS. Found in a BottleSome Words with a Mummy Read onlineSome Words with a MummyThe Science Fiction of Edgar Allan Poe (Penguin Classics) Read onlineThe Science Fiction of Edgar Allan Poe (Penguin Classics)King Pest Read onlineKing PestCRITICISM Read onlineCRITICISMHow to Write a Blackwood Article Read onlineHow to Write a Blackwood ArticleMystification Read onlineMystificationDiddling Considered as One of the Exact Sciences Read onlineDiddling Considered as One of the Exact SciencesSteampunk Poe Read onlineSteampunk PoeThe Literary Life of Thingum Bob, Esq. Read onlineThe Literary Life of Thingum Bob, Esq.Classic Crime Collection Read onlineClassic Crime CollectionComplete Stories and Poems of Edgar Allen Poe Read onlineComplete Stories and Poems of Edgar Allen PoeBerenice Read onlineBereniceThe Black Cat Read onlineThe Black CatThe Slender Poe Anthology Read onlineThe Slender Poe AnthologyThe Science Fiction of Edgar Allan Poe Read onlineThe Science Fiction of Edgar Allan PoeThe Assignation Read onlineThe AssignationThe Thousand-and-Second Tale of Scheherazade Read onlineThe Thousand-and-Second Tale of ScheherazadeThe Raven and Other Short Stories Read onlineThe Raven and Other Short StoriesThe Spectacles Read onlineThe SpectaclesHop-Frog Read onlineHop-FrogThe Purloined Letter Read onlineThe Purloined LetterMellonta Tauta Read onlineMellonta TautaThe Balloon-Hoax Read onlineThe Balloon-HoaxLandor's Cottage Read onlineLandor's CottageMesmeric Revelation Read onlineMesmeric RevelationThe Pit and the Pendulum Read onlineThe Pit and the Pendulum