The Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 4 Read online

  THE SYSTEM OF DOCTOR TARR AND PROFESSOR FETHER

  DURING the autumn of 18--, while on a tour through the extreme southernprovinces of France, my route led me within a few miles of a certainMaison de Sante or private mad-house, about which I had heard much inParis from my medical friends. As I had never visited a place of thekind, I thought the opportunity too good to be lost; and so proposedto my travelling companion (a gentleman with whom I had made casualacquaintance a few days before) that we should turn aside, for an houror so, and look through the establishment. To this he objected--pleadinghaste in the first place, and, in the second, a very usual horror at thesight of a lunatic. He begged me, however, not to let any mere courtesytowards himself interfere with the gratification of my curiosity, andsaid that he would ride on leisurely, so that I might overtake himduring the day, or, at all events, during the next. As he bade megood-bye, I bethought me that there might be some difficulty inobtaining access to the premises, and mentioned my fears on thispoint. He replied that, in fact, unless I had personal knowledge of thesuperintendent, Monsieur Maillard, or some credential in the way ofa letter, a difficulty might be found to exist, as the regulations ofthese private mad-houses were more rigid than the public hospital laws.For himself, he added, he had, some years since, made the acquaintanceof Maillard, and would so far assist me as to ride up to the door andintroduce me; although his feelings on the subject of lunacy would notpermit of his entering the house.

  I thanked him, and, turning from the main road, we entered a grass-grownby-path, which, in half an hour, nearly lost itself in a dense forest,clothing the base of a mountain. Through this dank and gloomy wood werode some two miles, when the Maison de Sante came in view. It was afantastic chateau, much dilapidated, and indeed scarcely tenantablethrough age and neglect. Its aspect inspired me with absolute dread,and, checking my horse, I half resolved to turn back. I soon, however,grew ashamed of my weakness, and proceeded.

  As we rode up to the gate-way, I perceived it slightly open, and thevisage of a man peering through. In an instant afterward, this man cameforth, accosted my companion by name, shook him cordially by the hand,and begged him to alight. It was Monsieur Maillard himself. He wasa portly, fine-looking gentleman of the old school, with a polishedmanner, and a certain air of gravity, dignity, and authority which wasvery impressive.

  My friend, having presented me, mentioned my desire to inspect theestablishment, and received Monsieur Maillard's assurance that he wouldshow me all attention, now took leave, and I saw him no more.

  When he had gone, the superintendent ushered me into a small andexceedingly neat parlor, containing, among other indications of refinedtaste, many books, drawings, pots of flowers, and musical instruments.A cheerful fire blazed upon the hearth. At a piano, singing an ariafrom Bellini, sat a young and very beautiful woman, who, at my entrance,paused in her song, and received me with graceful courtesy. Her voicewas low, and her whole manner subdued. I thought, too, that I perceivedthe traces of sorrow in her countenance, which was excessively, althoughto my taste, not unpleasingly, pale. She was attired in deep mourning,and excited in my bosom a feeling of mingled respect, interest, andadmiration.

  I had heard, at Paris, that the institution of Monsieur Maillard wasmanaged upon what is vulgarly termed the "system of soothing"--thatall punishments were avoided--that even confinement was seldom resortedto--that the patients, while secretly watched, were left much apparentliberty, and that most of them were permitted to roam about the houseand grounds in the ordinary apparel of persons in right mind.

  Keeping these impressions in view, I was cautious in what I said beforethe young lady; for I could not be sure that she was sane; and, in fact,there was a certain restless brilliancy about her eyes which half ledme to imagine she was not. I confined my remarks, therefore, to generaltopics, and to such as I thought would not be displeasing or excitingeven to a lunatic. She replied in a perfectly rational manner to allthat I said; and even her original observations were marked with thesoundest good sense, but a long acquaintance with the metaphysics ofmania, had taught me to put no faith in such evidence of sanity, and Icontinued to practise, throughout the interview, the caution with whichI commenced it.

  Presently a smart footman in livery brought in a tray with fruit, wine,and other refreshments, of which I partook, the lady soon afterwardleaving the room. As she departed I turned my eyes in an inquiringmanner toward my host.

  "No," he said, "oh, no--a member of my family--my niece, and a mostaccomplished woman."

  "I beg a thousand pardons for the suspicion," I replied, "but of courseyou will know how to excuse me. The excellent administration ofyour affairs here is well understood in Paris, and I thought it justpossible, you know--

  "Yes, yes--say no more--or rather it is myself who should thank you forthe commendable prudence you have displayed. We seldom find so much offorethought in young men; and, more than once, some unhappy contre-tempshas occurred in consequence of thoughtlessness on the part of ourvisitors. While my former system was in operation, and my patients werepermitted the privilege of roaming to and fro at will, they were oftenaroused to a dangerous frenzy by injudicious persons who called toinspect the house. Hence I was obliged to enforce a rigid systemof exclusion; and none obtained access to the premises upon whosediscretion I could not rely."

  "While your former system was in operation!" I said, repeating hiswords--"do I understand you, then, to say that the 'soothing system' ofwhich I have heard so much is no longer in force?"

  "It is now," he replied, "several weeks since we have concluded torenounce it forever."

  "Indeed! you astonish me!"

  "We found it, sir," he said, with a sigh, "absolutely necessary toreturn to the old usages. The danger of the soothing system was, atall times, appalling; and its advantages have been much overrated. Ibelieve, sir, that in this house it has been given a fair trial, if everin any. We did every thing that rational humanity could suggest. I amsorry that you could not have paid us a visit at an earlier period, thatyou might have judged for yourself. But I presume you are conversantwith the soothing practice--with its details."

  "Not altogether. What I have heard has been at third or fourth hand."

  "I may state the system, then, in general terms, as one in which thepatients were menages-humored. We contradicted no fancies which enteredthe brains of the mad. On the contrary, we not only indulged butencouraged them; and many of our most permanent cures have been thuseffected. There is no argument which so touches the feeble reason of themadman as the argumentum ad absurdum. We have had men, for example, whofancied themselves chickens. The cure was, to insist upon the thing as afact--to accuse the patient of stupidity in not sufficiently perceivingit to be a fact--and thus to refuse him any other diet for a week thanthat which properly appertains to a chicken. In this manner a littlecorn and gravel were made to perform wonders."

  "But was this species of acquiescence all?"

  "By no means. We put much faith in amusements of a simple kind, such asmusic, dancing, gymnastic exercises generally, cards, certain classes ofbooks, and so forth. We affected to treat each individual as if for someordinary physical disorder, and the word 'lunacy' was never employed.A great point was to set each lunatic to guard the actions of all theothers. To repose confidence in the understanding or discretion of amadman, is to gain him body and soul. In this way we were enabled todispense with an expensive body of keepers."

  "And you had no punishments of any kind?"

  "None."

  "And you never confined your patients?"

  "Very rarely. Now and then, the malady of some individual growing toa crisis, or taking a sudden turn of fury, we conveyed him to a secretcell, lest his disorder should infect the rest, and there kept him untilwe could dismiss him to his friends--for with the raging maniac we havenothing to do. He is usually removed to the public hospitals."

  "And you have now changed all this--and you think for the better?"

  "Decidedly. The system had i
ts disadvantages, and even its dangers.It is now, happily, exploded throughout all the Maisons de Sante ofFrance."

  "I am very much surprised," I said, "at what you tell me; for I madesure that, at this moment, no other method of treatment for maniaexisted in any portion of the country."

  "You are young yet, my friend," replied my host, "but the time willarrive when you will learn to judge for yourself of what is going on inthe world, without trusting to the gossip of others. Believe nothing youhear, and only one-half that you see. Now about our Maisons de Sante, itis clear that some ignoramus has misled you. After dinner, however, whenyou have sufficiently recovered from the fatigue of your ride, I will behappy to take you over the house, and introduce to you a system which,in my opinion, and in that of every one who has witnessed its operation,is incomparably the most effectual as yet devised."

  "Your own?" I inquired--"one of your own invention?"

  "I am proud," he replied, "to acknowledge that it is--at least in somemeasure."

  In this manner I conversed with Monsieur Maillard for an hour or two,during which he showed me the gardens and conservatories of the place.

  "I cannot let you see my patients," he said, "just at present. To asensitive mind there is always more or less of the shocking in suchexhibitions; and I do not wish to spoil your appetite for dinner. Wewill dine. I can give you some veal a la Menehoult, with cauliflowers inveloute sauce--after that a glass of Clos de Vougeot--then your nerveswill be sufficiently steadied."

  At six, dinner was announced; and my host conducted me into alarge salle a manger, where a very numerous company wereassembled--twenty-five or thirty in all. They were, apparently, peopleof rank-certainly of high breeding--although their habiliments, Ithought, were extravagantly rich, partaking somewhat too much ofthe ostentatious finery of the vielle cour. I noticed that at leasttwo-thirds of these guests were ladies; and some of the latter were byno means accoutred in what a Parisian would consider good taste at thepresent day. Many females, for example, whose age could not have beenless than seventy were bedecked with a profusion of jewelry, suchas rings, bracelets, and earrings, and wore their bosoms and armsshamefully bare. I observed, too, that very few of the dresses were wellmade--or, at least, that very few of them fitted the wearers. In lookingabout, I discovered the interesting girl to whom Monsieur Maillard hadpresented me in the little parlor; but my surprise was great to see herwearing a hoop and farthingale, with high-heeled shoes, and a dirtycap of Brussels lace, so much too large for her that it gave her face aridiculously diminutive expression. When I had first seen her, she wasattired, most becomingly, in deep mourning. There was an air of oddity,in short, about the dress of the whole party, which, at first, caused meto recur to my original idea of the "soothing system," and to fancy thatMonsieur Maillard had been willing to deceive me until after dinner,that I might experience no uncomfortable feelings during the repast,at finding myself dining with lunatics; but I remembered having beeninformed, in Paris, that the southern provincialists were a peculiarlyeccentric people, with a vast number of antiquated notions; andthen, too, upon conversing with several members of the company, myapprehensions were immediately and fully dispelled.

  The dining-room itself, although perhaps sufficiently comfortable and ofgood dimensions, had nothing too much of elegance about it. For example,the floor was uncarpeted; in France, however, a carpet is frequentlydispensed with. The windows, too, were without curtains; the shutters,being shut, were securely fastened with iron bars, applied diagonally,after the fashion of our ordinary shop-shutters. The apartment, Iobserved, formed, in itself, a wing of the chateau, and thus the windowswere on three sides of the parallelogram, the door being at the other.There were no less than ten windows in all.

  The table was superbly set out. It was loaded with plate, and more thanloaded with delicacies. The profusion was absolutely barbaric. Therewere meats enough to have feasted the Anakim. Never, in all my life, hadI witnessed so lavish, so wasteful an expenditure of the good things oflife. There seemed very little taste, however, in the arrangements;and my eyes, accustomed to quiet lights, were sadly offended by theprodigious glare of a multitude of wax candles, which, in silvercandelabra, were deposited upon the table, and all about the room,wherever it was possible to find a place. There were several activeservants in attendance; and, upon a large table, at the farther end ofthe apartment, were seated seven or eight people with fiddles, fifes,trombones, and a drum. These fellows annoyed me very much, at intervals,during the repast, by an infinite variety of noises, which were intendedfor music, and which appeared to afford much entertainment to allpresent, with the exception of myself.

  Upon the whole, I could not help thinking that there was much of thebizarre about every thing I saw--but then the world is made up ofall kinds of persons, with all modes of thought, and all sorts ofconventional customs. I had travelled, too, so much, as to be quite anadept at the nil admirari; so I took my seat very coolly at the righthand of my host, and, having an excellent appetite, did justice to thegood cheer set before me.

  The conversation, in the meantime, was spirited and general. The ladies,as usual, talked a great deal. I soon found that nearly all the companywere well educated; and my host was a world of good-humored anecdotein himself. He seemed quite willing to speak of his position assuperintendent of a Maison de Sante; and, indeed, the topic of lunacywas, much to my surprise, a favorite one with all present. A greatmany amusing stories were told, having reference to the whims of thepatients.

  "We had a fellow here once," said a fat little gentleman, who sat at myright,--"a fellow that fancied himself a tea-pot; and by the way, is itnot especially singular how often this particular crotchet has enteredthe brain of the lunatic? There is scarcely an insane asylum in Francewhich cannot supply a human tea-pot. Our gentleman was a Britannia--waretea-pot, and was careful to polish himself every morning with buckskinand whiting."

  "And then," said a tall man just opposite, "we had here, not long ago,a person who had taken it into his head that he was a donkey--whichallegorically speaking, you will say, was quite true. He was atroublesome patient; and we had much ado to keep him within bounds. Fora long time he would eat nothing but thistles; but of this idea wesoon cured him by insisting upon his eating nothing else. Then he wasperpetually kicking out his heels-so-so-"

  "Mr. De Kock! I will thank you to behave yourself!" here interruptedan old lady, who sat next to the speaker. "Please keep your feetto yourself! You have spoiled my brocade! Is it necessary, pray, toillustrate a remark in so practical a style? Our friend here can surelycomprehend you without all this. Upon my word, you are nearly as greata donkey as the poor unfortunate imagined himself. Your acting is verynatural, as I live."

  "Mille pardons! Ma'm'selle!" replied Monsieur De Kock, thusaddressed--"a thousand pardons! I had no intention of offending.Ma'm'selle Laplace--Monsieur De Kock will do himself the honor of takingwine with you."

  Here Monsieur De Kock bowed low, kissed his hand with much ceremony, andtook wine with Ma'm'selle Laplace.

  "Allow me, mon ami," now said Monsieur Maillard, addressing myself,"allow me to send you a morsel of this veal a la St. Menhoult--you willfind it particularly fine."

  At this instant three sturdy waiters had just succeeded in depositingsafely upon the table an enormous dish, or trencher, containing whatI supposed to be the "monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumenademptum." A closer scrutiny assured me, however, that it was only asmall calf roasted whole, and set upon its knees, with an apple in itsmouth, as is the English fashion of dressing a hare.

  "Thank you, no," I replied; "to say the truth, I am not particularlypartial to veal a la St.--what is it?--for I do not find that italtogether agrees with me. I will change my plate, however, and try someof the rabbit."

  There were several side-dishes on the table, containing what appearedto be the ordinary French rabbit--a very delicious morceau, which I canrecommend.

  "Pierre," cried the host, "change this gentleman's plate, and give hi
m aside-piece of this rabbit au-chat."

  "This what?" said I.

  "This rabbit au-chat."

  "Why, thank you--upon second thoughts, no. I will just help myself tosome of the ham."

  There is no knowing what one eats, thought I to myself, at the tablesof these people of the province. I will have none of their rabbitau-chat--and, for the matter of that, none of their cat-au-rabbiteither.

  "And then," said a cadaverous looking personage, near the foot of thetable, taking up the thread of the conversation where it had been brokenoff,--"and then, among other oddities, we had a patient, once upon atime, who very pertinaciously maintained himself to be a Cordova cheese,and went about, with a knife in his hand, soliciting his friends to trya small slice from the middle of his leg."

  "He was a great fool, beyond doubt," interposed some one, "but not to becompared with a certain individual whom we all know, with the exceptionof this strange gentleman. I mean the man who took himself for abottle of champagne, and always went off with a pop and a fizz, in thisfashion."

  Here the speaker, very rudely, as I thought, put his right thumb in hisleft cheek, withdrew it with a sound resembling the popping of a cork,and then, by a dexterous movement of the tongue upon the teeth, createda sharp hissing and fizzing, which lasted for several minutes, inimitation of the frothing of champagne. This behavior, I saw plainly,was not very pleasing to Monsieur Maillard; but that gentleman saidnothing, and the conversation was resumed by a very lean little man in abig wig.

  "And then there was an ignoramus," said he, "who mistook himself for afrog, which, by the way, he resembled in no little degree. I wish youcould have seen him, sir,"--here the speaker addressed myself--"it wouldhave done your heart good to see the natural airs that he put on. Sir,if that man was not a frog, I can only observe that it is a pity he wasnot. His croak thus--o-o-o-o-gh--o-o-o-o-gh! was the finest note in theworld--B flat; and when he put his elbows upon the table thus--aftertaking a glass or two of wine--and distended his mouth, thus, and rolledup his eyes, thus, and winked them with excessive rapidity, thus, whythen, sir, I take it upon myself to say, positively, that you would havebeen lost in admiration of the genius of the man."

  "I have no doubt of it," I said.

  "And then," said somebody else, "then there was Petit Gaillard, whothought himself a pinch of snuff, and was truly distressed because hecould not take himself between his own finger and thumb."

  "And then there was Jules Desoulieres, who was a very singular genius,indeed, and went mad with the idea that he was a pumpkin. He persecutedthe cook to make him up into pies--a thing which the cook indignantlyrefused to do. For my part, I am by no means sure that a pumpkin pie ala Desoulieres would not have been very capital eating indeed!"

  "You astonish me!" said I; and I looked inquisitively at MonsieurMaillard.

  "Ha! ha! ha!" said that gentleman--"he! he! he!--hi! hi! hi!--ho! ho!ho!--hu! hu! hu! hu!--very good indeed! You must not be astonished, monami; our friend here is a wit--a drole--you must not understand him tothe letter."

  "And then," said some other one of the party,--"then there was BouffonLe Grand--another extraordinary personage in his way. He grew derangedthrough love, and fancied himself possessed of two heads. One ofthese he maintained to be the head of Cicero; the other he imagined acomposite one, being Demosthenes' from the top of the forehead tothe mouth, and Lord Brougham's from the mouth to the chin. It is notimpossible that he was wrong; but he would have convinced you of hisbeing in the right; for he was a man of great eloquence. He had anabsolute passion for oratory, and could not refrain from display. Forexample, he used to leap upon the dinner-table thus, and--and-"

  Here a friend, at the side of the speaker, put a hand upon his shoulderand whispered a few words in his ear, upon which he ceased talking withgreat suddenness, and sank back within his chair.

  "And then," said the friend who had whispered, "there was Boullard, thetee-totum. I call him the tee-totum because, in fact, he was seizedwith the droll but not altogether irrational crotchet, that he had beenconverted into a tee-totum. You would have roared with laughter tosee him spin. He would turn round upon one heel by the hour, in thismanner--so--"

  Here the friend whom he had just interrupted by a whisper, performed anexactly similar office for himself.

  "But then," cried the old lady, at the top of her voice, "your MonsieurBoullard was a madman, and a very silly madman at best; for who, allowme to ask you, ever heard of a human tee-totum? The thing is absurd.Madame Joyeuse was a more sensible person, as you know. She had acrotchet, but it was instinct with common sense, and gave pleasureto all who had the honor of her acquaintance. She found, upon maturedeliberation, that, by some accident, she had been turned into achicken-cock; but, as such, she behaved with propriety. She flappedher wings with prodigious effect--so--so--and, as for her crow, itwas delicious!

  Cock-a-doodle-doo!--cock-a-doodle-doo!--cock-a-doodle-de-doodooo-do-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

  "Madame Joyeuse, I will thank you to behave yourself!" here interruptedour host, very angrily. "You can either conduct yourself as a ladyshould do, or you can quit the table forthwith-take your choice."

  The lady (whom I was much astonished to hear addressed as MadameJoyeuse, after the description of Madame Joyeuse she had just given)blushed up to the eyebrows, and seemed exceedingly abashed at thereproof. She hung down her head, and said not a syllable in reply. Butanother and younger lady resumed the theme. It was my beautiful girl ofthe little parlor.

  "Oh, Madame Joyeuse was a fool!" she exclaimed, "but there was reallymuch sound sense, after all, in the opinion of Eugenie Salsafette. Shewas a very beautiful and painfully modest young lady, who thought theordinary mode of habiliment indecent, and wished to dress herself,always, by getting outside instead of inside of her clothes. It is athing very easily done, after all. You have only to do so--and thenso--so--so--and then so--so--so--and then so--so--and then--

  "Mon dieu! Ma'm'selle Salsafette!" here cried a dozen voices at once."What are you about?--forbear!--that is sufficient!--we see, veryplainly, how it is done!--hold! hold!" and several persons were alreadyleaping from their seats to withhold Ma'm'selle Salsafette from puttingherself upon a par with the Medicean Venus, when the point was veryeffectually and suddenly accomplished by a series of loud screams, oryells, from some portion of the main body of the chateau.

  My nerves were very much affected, indeed, by these yells; but the restof the company I really pitied. I never saw any set of reasonable peopleso thoroughly frightened in my life. They all grew as pale as so manycorpses, and, shrinking within their seats, sat quivering and gibberingwith terror, and listening for a repetition of the sound. It cameagain--louder and seemingly nearer--and then a third time very loud, andthen a fourth time with a vigor evidently diminished. At this apparentdying away of the noise, the spirits of the company were immediatelyregained, and all was life and anecdote as before. I now ventured toinquire the cause of the disturbance.

  "A mere bagtelle," said Monsieur Maillard. "We are used to these things,and care really very little about them. The lunatics, every now andthen, get up a howl in concert; one starting another, as is sometimesthe case with a bevy of dogs at night. It occasionally happens, however,that the concerto yells are succeeded by a simultaneous effortat breaking loose, when, of course, some little danger is to beapprehended."

  "And how many have you in charge?"

  "At present we have not more than ten, altogether."

  "Principally females, I presume?"

  "Oh, no--every one of them men, and stout fellows, too, I can tell you."

  "Indeed! I have always understood that the majority of lunatics were ofthe gentler sex."

  "It is generally so, but not always. Some time ago, there were abouttwenty-seven patients here; and, of that number, no less than eighteenwere women; but, lately, matters have changed very much, as you see."

  "Yes--have changed very much, as you see," here interrupted thegentleman who had broken the shins of Ma'm'sel
le Laplace.

  "Yes--have changed very much, as you see!" chimed in the whole companyat once.

  "Hold your tongues, every one of you!" said my host, in a great rage.Whereupon the whole company maintained a dead silence for nearly aminute. As for one lady, she obeyed Monsieur Maillard to the letter,and thrusting out her tongue, which was an excessively long one, held itvery resignedly, with both hands, until the end of the entertainment.

  "And this gentlewoman," said I, to Monsieur Maillard, bending over andaddressing him in a whisper--"this good lady who has just spoken,and who gives us the cock-a-doodle-de-doo--she, I presume, isharmless--quite harmless, eh?"

  "Harmless!" ejaculated he, in unfeigned surprise, "why--why, what canyou mean?"

  "Only slightly touched?" said I, touching my head. "I take it forgranted that she is not particularly not dangerously affected, eh?"

  "Mon dieu! what is it you imagine? This lady, my particular old friendMadame Joyeuse, is as absolutely sane as myself. She has her littleeccentricities, to be sure--but then, you know, all old women--all veryold women--are more or less eccentric!"

  "To be sure," said I,--"to be sure--and then the rest of these ladiesand gentlemen-"

  "Are my friends and keepers," interupted Monsieur Maillard, drawinghimself up with hauteur,--"my very good friends and assistants."

  "What! all of them?" I asked,--"the women and all?"

  "Assuredly," he said,--"we could not do at all without the women; theyare the best lunatic nurses in the world; they have a way of their own,you know; their bright eyes have a marvellous effect;--something likethe fascination of the snake, you know."

  "To be sure," said I,--"to be sure! They behave a little odd, eh?--theyare a little queer, eh?--don't you think so?"

  "Odd!--queer!--why, do you really think so? We are not very prudish, tobe sure, here in the South--do pretty much as we please--enjoy life, andall that sort of thing, you know-"

  "To be sure," said I,--"to be sure."

  "And then, perhaps, this Clos de Vougeot is a little heady, you know--alittle strong--you understand, eh?"

  "To be sure," said I,--"to be sure. By the bye, Monsieur, did Iunderstand you to say that the system you have adopted, in place of thecelebrated soothing system, was one of very rigorous severity?"

  "By no means. Our confinement is necessarily close; but thetreatment--the medical treatment, I mean--is rather agreeable to thepatients than otherwise."

  "And the new system is one of your own invention?"

  "Not altogether. Some portions of it are referable to Professor Tarr, ofwhom you have, necessarily, heard; and, again, there are modificationsin my plan which I am happy to acknowledge as belonging of right to thecelebrated Fether, with whom, if I mistake not, you have the honor of anintimate acquaintance."

  "I am quite ashamed to confess," I replied, "that I have never evenheard the names of either gentleman before."

  "Good heavens!" ejaculated my host, drawing back his chair abruptly,and uplifting his hands. "I surely do not hear you aright! You did notintend to say, eh? that you had never heard either of the learned DoctorTarr, or of the celebrated Professor Fether?"

  "I am forced to acknowledge my ignorance," I replied; "but the truthshould be held inviolate above all things. Nevertheless, I feel humbledto the dust, not to be acquainted with the works of these, no doubt,extraordinary men. I will seek out their writings forthwith, and perusethem with deliberate care. Monsieur Maillard, you have really--I mustconfess it--you have really--made me ashamed of myself!"

  And this was the fact.

  "Say no more, my good young friend," he said kindly, pressing myhand,--"join me now in a glass of Sauterne."

  We drank. The company followed our example without stint. Theychatted--they jested--they laughed--they perpetrated a thousandabsurdities--the fiddles shrieked--the drum row-de-dowed--the trombonesbellowed like so many brazen bulls of Phalaris--and the whole scene,growing gradually worse and worse, as the wines gained the ascendancy,became at length a sort of pandemonium in petto. In the meantime,Monsieur Maillard and myself, with some bottles of Sauterne and Vougeotbetween us, continued our conversation at the top of the voice. A wordspoken in an ordinary key stood no more chance of being heard than thevoice of a fish from the bottom of Niagara Falls.

  "And, sir," said I, screaming in his ear, "you mentioned somethingbefore dinner about the danger incurred in the old system of soothing.How is that?"

  "Yes," he replied, "there was, occasionally, very great danger indeed.There is no accounting for the caprices of madmen; and, in my opinionas well as in that of Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether, it is never safe topermit them to run at large unattended. A lunatic may be 'soothed,'as it is called, for a time, but, in the end, he is very apt to becomeobstreperous. His cunning, too, is proverbial and great. If he has aproject in view, he conceals his design with a marvellous wisdom;and the dexterity with which he counterfeits sanity, presents, to themetaphysician, one of the most singular problems in the study of mind.When a madman appears thoroughly sane, indeed, it is high time to puthim in a straitjacket."

  "But the danger, my dear sir, of which you were speaking, in your ownexperience--during your control of this house--have you had practicalreason to think liberty hazardous in the case of a lunatic?"

  "Here?--in my own experience?--why, I may say, yes. For example:--novery long while ago, a singular circumstance occurred in this veryhouse. The 'soothing system,' you know, was then in operation, and thepatients were at large. They behaved remarkably well-especially so, anyone of sense might have known that some devilish scheme was brewing fromthat particular fact, that the fellows behaved so remarkably well. And,sure enough, one fine morning the keepers found themselves pinioned handand foot, and thrown into the cells, where they were attended, as ifthey were the lunatics, by the lunatics themselves, who had usurped theoffices of the keepers."

  "You don't tell me so! I never heard of any thing so absurd in my life!"

  "Fact--it all came to pass by means of a stupid fellow--a lunatic--who,by some means, had taken it into his head that he had invented abetter system of government than any ever heard of before--of lunaticgovernment, I mean. He wished to give his invention a trial, I suppose,and so he persuaded the rest of the patients to join him in a conspiracyfor the overthrow of the reigning powers."

  "And he really succeeded?"

  "No doubt of it. The keepers and kept were soon made to exchange places.Not that exactly either--for the madmen had been free, but the keeperswere shut up in cells forthwith, and treated, I am sorry to say, in avery cavalier manner."

  "But I presume a counter-revolution was soon effected. This conditionof things could not have long existed. The country people in theneighborhood-visitors coming to see the establishment--would have giventhe alarm."

  "There you are out. The head rebel was too cunning for that. Headmitted no visitors at all--with the exception, one day, of a verystupid-looking young gentleman of whom he had no reason to be afraid. Helet him in to see the place--just by way of variety,--to have a littlefun with him. As soon as he had gammoned him sufficiently, he let himout, and sent him about his business."

  "And how long, then, did the madmen reign?"

  "Oh, a very long time, indeed--a month certainly--how much longer Ican't precisely say. In the meantime, the lunatics had a jolly season ofit--that you may swear. They doffed their own shabby clothes, and madefree with the family wardrobe and jewels. The cellars of the chateauwere well stocked with wine; and these madmen are just the devils thatknow how to drink it. They lived well, I can tell you."

  "And the treatment--what was the particular species of treatment whichthe leader of the rebels put into operation?"

  "Why, as for that, a madman is not necessarily a fool, as I have alreadyobserved; and it is my honest opinion that his treatment was a muchbetter treatment than that which it superseded. It was a very capitalsystem indeed--simple--neat--no trouble at all--in fact it was deliciousit was."

  Here my host'
s observations were cut short by another series of yells,of the same character as those which had previously disconcertedus. This time, however, they seemed to proceed from persons rapidlyapproaching.

  "Gracious heavens!" I ejaculated--"the lunatics have most undoubtedlybroken loose."

  "I very much fear it is so," replied Monsieur Maillard, now becomingexcessively pale. He had scarcely finished the sentence, before loudshouts and imprecations were heard beneath the windows; and, immediatelyafterward, it became evident that some persons outside were endeavoringto gain entrance into the room. The door was beaten with what appearedto be a sledge-hammer, and the shutters were wrenched and shaken withprodigious violence.

  A scene of the most terrible confusion ensued. Monsieur Maillard, tomy excessive astonishment threw himself under the side-board. I hadexpected more resolution at his hands. The members of the orchestra,who, for the last fifteen minutes, had been seemingly too muchintoxicated to do duty, now sprang all at once to their feet and totheir instruments, and, scrambling upon their table, broke out, with oneaccord, into, "Yankee Doodle," which they performed, if not exactlyin tune, at least with an energy superhuman, during the whole of theuproar.

  Meantime, upon the main dining-table, among the bottles and glasses,leaped the gentleman who, with such difficulty, had been restrained fromleaping there before. As soon as he fairly settled himself, he commencedan oration, which, no doubt, was a very capital one, if it couldonly have been heard. At the same moment, the man with the teetotumpredilection, set himself to spinning around the apartment, with immenseenergy, and with arms outstretched at right angles with his body; sothat he had all the air of a tee-totum in fact, and knocked everybodydown that happened to get in his way. And now, too, hearing anincredible popping and fizzing of champagne, I discovered at length,that it proceeded from the person who performed the bottle of thatdelicate drink during dinner. And then, again, the frog-man croakedaway as if the salvation of his soul depended upon every note that heuttered. And, in the midst of all this, the continuous braying of adonkey arose over all. As for my old friend, Madame Joyeuse, I reallycould have wept for the poor lady, she appeared so terribly perplexed.All she did, however, was to stand up in a corner, by thefireplace, and sing out incessantly at the top of her voice,"Cock-a-doodle-de-dooooooh!"

  And now came the climax--the catastrophe of the drama. As no resistance,beyond whooping and yelling and cock-a-doodling, was offered to theencroachments of the party without, the ten windows were very speedily,and almost simultaneously, broken in. But I shall never forget theemotions of wonder and horror with which I gazed, when, leapingthrough these windows, and down among us pele-mele, fighting, stamping,scratching, and howling, there rushed a perfect army of what I took tobe Chimpanzees, Ourang-Outangs, or big black baboons of the Cape of GoodHope.

  I received a terrible beating--after which I rolled under a sofa andlay still. After lying there some fifteen minutes, during which time Ilistened with all my ears to what was going on in the room, I came tosame satisfactory denouement of this tragedy. Monsieur Maillard, itappeared, in giving me the account of the lunatic who had excited hisfellows to rebellion, had been merely relating his own exploits.This gentleman had, indeed, some two or three years before, been thesuperintendent of the establishment, but grew crazy himself, and sobecame a patient. This fact was unknown to the travelling companionwho introduced me. The keepers, ten in number, having been suddenlyoverpowered, were first well tarred, then--carefully feathered, and thenshut up in underground cells. They had been so imprisoned for more thana month, during which period Monsieur Maillard had generously allowedthem not only the tar and feathers (which constituted his "system"), butsome bread and abundance of water. The latter was pumped on them daily.At length, one escaping through a sewer, gave freedom to all the rest.

  The "soothing system," with important modifications, has been resumed atthe chateau; yet I cannot help agreeing with Monsieur Maillard, thathis own "treatment" was a very capital one of its kind. As he justlyobserved, it was "simple--neat--and gave no trouble at all--not theleast."

  I have only to add that, although I have searched every library inEurope for the works of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether, I have, up tothe present day, utterly failed in my endeavors at procuring an edition.