The Works of Edgar Allan Poe — Volume 4 Read online

  X-ING A PARAGRAPH

  AS it is well known that the 'wise men' came 'from the East,' and asMr. Touch-and-go Bullet-head came from the East, it follows that Mr.Bullet-head was a wise man; and if collateral proof of the matter beneeded, here we have it--Mr. B. was an editor. Irascibility was his solefoible, for in fact the obstinacy of which men accused him was anythingbut his foible, since he justly considered it his forte. It was hisstrong point--his virtue; and it would have required all the logic of aBrownson to convince him that it was 'anything else.'

  I have shown that Touch-and-go Bullet-head was a wise man; and the onlyoccasion on which he did not prove infallible, was when, abandoning thatlegitimate home for all wise men, the East, he migrated to the city ofAlexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, or some place of a similar title, outWest.

  I must do him the justice to say, however, that when he made up hismind finally to settle in that town, it was under the impression thatno newspaper, and consequently no editor, existed in that particularsection of the country. In establishing 'The Tea-Pot' he expected tohave the field all to himself. I feel confident he never would havedreamed of taking up his residence in Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolishad he been aware that, in Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, there lived agentleman named John Smith (if I rightly remember), who for manyyears had there quietly grown fat in editing and publishing the'Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis Gazette.' It was solely, therefore, onaccount of having been misinformed, that Mr. Bullet-head found himselfin Alex-suppose we call it Nopolis, 'for short'--but, as he did findhimself there, he determined to keep up his character for obst--forfirmness, and remain. So remain he did; and he did more; he unpacked hispress, type, etc., etc., rented an office exactly opposite to that ofthe 'Gazette,' and, on the third morning after his arrival, issuedthe first number of 'The Alexan'--that is to say, of 'The NopolisTea-Pot'--as nearly as I can recollect, this was the name of the newpaper.

  The leading article, I must admit, was brilliant--not to say severe. Itwas especially bitter about things in general--and as for the editorof 'The Gazette,' he was torn all to pieces in particular. Some ofBullethead's remarks were really so fiery that I have always, since thattime, been forced to look upon John Smith, who is still alive, in thelight of a salamander. I cannot pretend to give all the 'Tea-Pot's'paragraphs verbatim, but one of them runs thus:

  'Oh, yes!--Oh, we perceive! Oh, no doubt! The editor over the way is agenius--O, my! Oh, goodness, gracious!--what is this world coming to?Oh, tempora! Oh, Moses!'

  A philippic at once so caustic and so classical, alighted like abombshell among the hitherto peaceful citizens of Nopolis. Groups ofexcited individuals gathered at the corners of the streets. Every oneawaited, with heartfelt anxiety, the reply of the dignified Smith. Nextmorning it appeared as follows:

  'We quote from "The Tea-Pot" of yesterday the subjoined paragraph: "Oh,yes! Oh, we perceive! Oh, no doubt! Oh, my! Oh, goodness! Oh, tempora!Oh, Moses!" Why, the fellow is all O! That accounts for his reasoningin a circle, and explains why there is neither beginning nor end to him,nor to anything he says. We really do not believe the vagabond can writea word that hasn't an O in it. Wonder if this O-ing is a habit of his?By-the-by, he came away from Down-East in a great hurry. Wonder if heO's as much there as he does here? "O! it is pitiful."'

  The indignation of Mr. Bullet-head at these scandalous insinuations, Ishall not attempt to describe. On the eel-skinning principle, however,he did not seem to be so much incensed at the attack upon his integrityas one might have imagined. It was the sneer at his style that drove himto desperation. What!--he Touch-and-go Bullet-head!--not able to writea word without an O in it! He would soon let the jackanapes see that hewas mistaken. Yes! he would let him see how much he was mistaken, thepuppy! He, Touch-and-go Bullet-head, of Frogpondium, would let Mr. JohnSmith perceive that he, Bullet-head, could indite, if it so pleasedhim, a whole paragraph--aye! a whole article--in which that contemptiblevowel should not once--not even once--make its appearance. But no;--thatwould be yielding a point to the said John Smith. He, Bullet-head, wouldmake no alteration in his style, to suit the caprices of any Mr. Smithin Christendom. Perish so vile a thought! The O forever; He wouldpersist in the O. He would be as O-wy as O-wy could be.

  Burning with the chivalry of this determination, the great Touch-and-go,in the next 'Tea-Pot,' came out merely with this simple but resoluteparagraph, in reference to this unhappy affair:

  'The editor of the "Tea-Pot" has the honor of advising the editor of the"Gazette" that he (the "Tea-Pot") will take an opportunity in tomorrowmorning's paper, of convincing him (the "Gazette") that he (the"Tea-Pot") both can and will be his own master, as regards style; he(the "Tea-Pot") intending to show him (the "Gazette") the supreme,and indeed the withering contempt with which the criticism of him (the"Gazette") inspires the independent bosom of him (the "TeaPot") bycomposing for the especial gratification (?) of him (the "Gazette")a leading article, of some extent, in which the beautiful vowel--theemblem of Eternity--yet so offensive to the hyper-exquisite delicacyof him (the "Gazette") shall most certainly not be avoided by his (the"Gazette's") most obedient, humble servant, the "Tea-Pot." "So much forBuckingham!"'

  In fulfilment of the awful threat thus darkly intimated rather thandecidedly enunciated, the great Bullet-head, turning a deaf ear to allentreaties for 'copy,' and simply requesting his foreman to 'go to thed----l,' when he (the foreman) assured him (the 'Tea-Pot'!) that it washigh time to 'go to press': turning a deaf ear to everything, I say, thegreat Bullet-head sat up until day-break, consuming the midnight oil,and absorbed in the composition of the really unparalleled paragraph,which follows:--

  'So ho, John! how now? Told you so, you know. Don't crow, another time,before you're out of the woods! Does your mother know you're out? Oh,no, no!--so go home at once, now, John, to your odious old woods ofConcord! Go home to your woods, old owl--go! You won't! Oh, poh, poh,don't do so! You've got to go, you know! So go at once, and don't goslow, for nobody owns you here, you know! Oh! John, John, if you don'tgo you're no homo--no! You're only a fowl, an owl, a cow, a sow,--adoll, a poll; a poor, old, good-for-nothing-to-nobody, log, dog, hog, orfrog, come out of a Concord bog. Cool, now--cool! Do be cool, you fool!None of your crowing, old cock! Don't frown so--don't! Don't hollo, norhowl nor growl, nor bow-wow-wow! Good Lord, John, how you do look! Toldyou so, you know--but stop rolling your goose of an old poll about so,and go and drown your sorrows in a bowl!'

  Exhausted, very naturally, by so stupendous an effort, the greatTouch-and-go could attend to nothing farther that night. Firmly,composedly, yet with an air of conscious power, he handed his MS. tothe devil in waiting, and then, walking leisurely home, retired, withineffable dignity to bed.

  Meantime the devil, to whom the copy was entrusted, ran up stairs to his'case,' in an unutterable hurry, and forthwith made a commencement at'setting' the MS. 'up.'

  In the first place, of course,--as the opening word was 'So,'--he made aplunge into the capital S hole and came out in triumph with a capital S.Elated by this success, he immediately threw himself upon the little-obox with a blindfold impetuosity--but who shall describe his horror whenhis fingers came up without the anticipated letter in their clutch? whoshall paint his astonishment and rage at perceiving, as he rubbed hisknuckles, that he had been only thumping them to no purpose, against thebottom of an empty box. Not a single little-o was in the little-o hole;and, glancing fearfully at the capital-O partition, he found that to hisextreme terror, in a precisely similar predicament. Awe--stricken, hisfirst impulse was to rush to the foreman.

  'Sir!' said he, gasping for breath, 'I can't never set up nothingwithout no o's.'

  'What do you mean by that?' growled the foreman, who was in a very illhumor at being kept so late.

  'Why, sir, there beant an o in the office, neither a big un nor a littleun!'

  'What--what the d-l has become of all that were in the case?'

  'I don't know, sir,' said the boy, 'but one of them ere "G'zette" devilsis bin pro
wling 'bout here all night, and I spect he's gone and cabbaged'em every one.'

  'Dod rot him! I haven't a doubt of it,' replied the foreman, gettingpurple with rage 'but I tell you what you do, Bob, that's a goodboy--you go over the first chance you get and hook every one of theiri's and (d----n them!) their izzards.'

  'Jist so,' replied Bob, with a wink and a frown--'I'll be into 'em, I'lllet 'em know a thing or two; but in de meantime, that ere paragrab? Musgo in to-night, you know--else there'll be the d-l to pay, and-'

  'And not a bit of pitch hot,' interrupted the foreman, with a deep sigh,and an emphasis on the 'bit.' 'Is it a long paragraph, Bob?'

  'Shouldn't call it a wery long paragrab,' said Bob.

  'Ah, well, then! do the best you can with it! We must get to press,'said the foreman, who was over head and ears in work; 'just stick insome other letter for o; nobody's going to read the fellow's trashanyhow.'

  'Wery well,' replied Bob, 'here goes it!' and off he hurried to hiscase, muttering as he went: 'Considdeble vell, them ere expressions,perticcler for a man as doesn't swar. So I's to gouge out all theireyes, eh? and d-n all their gizzards! Vell! this here's the chap as isjust able for to do it.' The fact is that although Bob was but twelveyears old and four feet high, he was equal to any amount of fight, in asmall way.

  The exigency here described is by no means of rare occurrence inprinting-offices; and I cannot tell how to account for it, but the factis indisputable, that when the exigency does occur, it almost alwayshappens that x is adopted as a substitute for the letter deficient. Thetrue reason, perhaps, is that x is rather the most superabundant letterin the cases, or at least was so in the old times--long enough to renderthe substitution in question an habitual thing with printers. Asfor Bob, he would have considered it heretical to employ any othercharacter, in a case of this kind, than the x to which he had beenaccustomed.

  'I shell have to x this ere paragrab,' said he to himself, as he read itover in astonishment, 'but it's jest about the awfulest o-wy paragrab Iever did see': so x it he did, unflinchingly, and to press it went x-ed.

  Next morning the population of Nopolis were taken all aback by readingin 'The Tea-Pot,' the following extraordinary leader:

  'Sx hx, Jxhn! hxw nxw? Txld yxu sx, yxu knxw. Dxn't crxw, anxther time,befxre yxu're xut xf the wxxds! Dxes yxur mxther knxw yxu're xut? Xh,nx, nx!--sx gx hxme at xnce, nxw, Jxhn, tx yxur xdixus xld wxxds xfCxncxrd! Gx hxme tx yxur wxxds, xld xwl,--gx! Yxu wxn't? Xh, pxh, pxh,Jxhn, dxn't dx sx! Yxu've gxt tx gx, yxu knxw, sx gx at xnce, and dxn'tgx slxw; fxr nxbxdy xwns yxu here, yxu knxw. Xh, Jxhn, Jxhn, Jxhn, ifyxu dxn't gx yxu're nx hxmx--nx! Yxu're xnly a fxwl, an xwl; a cxw, asxw; a dxll, a pxll; a pxxr xld gxxd-fxr-nxthing-tx-nxbxdy, lxg, dxg,hxg, xr frxg, cxme xut xf a Cxncxrd bxg. Cxxl, nxw--cxxl! Dx be cxxl,yxu fxxl! Nxne xf yxur crxwing, xld cxck! Dxn't frxwn sx--dxn't! Dxn'thxllx, nxr hxwl, nxr grxwl, nxr bxw-wxw-wxw! Gxxd Lxrd, Jxhn, hxw yxu dxlxxk! Txld yxu sx, yxu knxw,--but stxp rxlling yxur gxxse xf an xld pxllabxut sx, and gx and drxwn yxur sxrrxws in a bxwl!'

  The uproar occasioned by this mystical and cabalistical article, is notto be conceived. The first definite idea entertained by the populacewas, that some diabolical treason lay concealed in the hieroglyphics;and there was a general rush to Bullet-head's residence, for the purposeof riding him on a rail; but that gentleman was nowhere to be found. Hehad vanished, no one could tell how; and not even the ghost of him hasever been seen since.

  Unable to discover its legitimate object, the popular fury at lengthsubsided; leaving behind it, by way of sediment, quite a medley ofopinion about this unhappy affair.

  One gentleman thought the whole an X-ellent joke.

  Another said that, indeed, Bullet-head had shown much X-uberance offancy.

  A third admitted him X-entric, but no more.

  A fourth could only suppose it the Yankee's design to X-press, in ageneral way, his X-asperation.

  'Say, rather, to set an X-ample to posterity,' suggested a fifth.

  That Bullet-head had been driven to an extremity, was clear to all; andin fact, since that editor could not be found, there was some talk aboutlynching the other one.

  The more common conclusion, however, was that the affair was, simply,X-traordinary and in-X-plicable. Even the town mathematician confessedthat he could make nothing of so dark a problem. X, every. body knew,was an unknown quantity; but in this case (as he properly observed),there was an unknown quantity of X.

  The opinion of Bob, the devil (who kept dark about his having 'X-ed theparagrab'), did not meet with so much attention as I think it deserved,although it was very openly and very fearlessly expressed. He said that,for his part, he had no doubt about the matter at all, that it was aclear case, that Mr. Bullet-head 'never could be persuaded fur to drinklike other folks, but vas continually a-svigging o' that ere blessed XXXale, and as a naiteral consekvence, it just puffed him up savage, andmade him X (cross) in the X-treme.'